Dragon Age: Origins, A Parody
by QueenOfSleep
Summary: Tisiphone Surana is a normal elven mage. Okay maybe not. She's out to save the world from the Blight and she hates templars, humans and the Maker. Will there be a happy ending?  It's a parody. And not even a serious one so... it's random. YAY!
1. The Fade of blurriness and boring

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own _Dragon Age_.**

**So yeah, random parody of my elven mage Grey Warden Tisiphone and her travels. I'm thinking that I might do some more parodies like this one of other Grey Wardens, each of them with a different origin story. It depends.**

**I also don't own _Assassin's Creed, Prototype, The Simpsons, Ahmed the Dead Terrorist_ or _A Very Potter Musical._**

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><p><strong>Dragon Age: Origins<strong>

_**A Parody**_

**Chapter ONE: The Fade of blurriness and boring.**

**Author: **BEHOLD! The greatest, fairest, awesomest, Grey Warden to ever walk upon the surface of the world! TISIPHONE SURANA!

**Tisiphone: **…

**Author:** :D

**Tisiphone:** Let's just get on with this.

**Templar guy: **Yeah, let's get on with this! *starts babbling about mages, gifts and curses*

**Tisiphone: **_"Blah, blah, blah… always the same thing… oh shit, someone else is talking."_

**Mage Guy: **... armed with only your will.

**Tisiphone: **Yeah, sure, whatever. Can we start now?

**Mage Guy: **I uh...

**Templar Guy: **Just put your hand in that weird, shiny stuff.

**Tisiphone: **_"Oooh, shiny…" _*reaches down and touches it*

**Templar Guy: **Oh, and one more thing, fail and you die.

**Tisiphone: **Oh, cool.

**Shiny Stuff:** Wooosh!

* * *

><p><strong>The Fade: <strong>*is dull. And brown. And blurry*

**Tisiphone:** *is not impressed*

**The Fade:** *has shiny stuff!*

**Tisiphone:** Okay, let's just go and look what's in this vase… oh cool, healing stuff. Who the hell put it there? Anyway… *sees huge statue of Altaïr/Alex Mercer* What the hell is that? *touches*

**XP: **PLUS 50!

**Codex: **A discussion of the creatures of the Fade…

**Tisiphone:** Yeah, whatever. Let's go, I mean, is there _anyone_ who actually reads that stuff?

**Author: **I do…

**Tisiphone: **… well, you're a freak, and why am I talking to someone who's just a voice in my head?

**Author: **I don't know…

**Tisiphone: **Great! Let's just go…

*walking*

**Wisp Wraith:** I'm going to FRY you to death!

**Tisiphone:** *freezes it*

**Wisp Wraith:** Oh shit… *is dead*

**Tisiphone: **Really? That's it? Nothing more? Gosh, this will be easy…

Walking continues. All innocent bystanders are killed.

**Mouse:** Hi! *is clearly not wearing apprentice robes*

**Tisiphone:** Hi…

**Mouse:** I'm going to follow you because I think you might succeed, kthnxbye!

**Tisiphone:** Why would you say "bye" if you're obviously going to stalk me?

**Mouse: **... I don't know…

**Tisiphone: **Great… now I have a confused mouse following me around… yay…

**Mouse: **What did you say?

**Tisiphone: **Nothing :D

**Mouse:** Right…

**Tisiphone: **Just get back to stalking me, 'kay?

**Mouse: **Sure!

More walking.

**Creepy Ring of Fire:** *is creepy*

**Mouse: **Here there'll be a demon who's waiting to kill you!

**Tisiphone:** Huh. I must be early then.

**Mouse: **Huh? What makes you think that?

**Tisiphone:** Well he's not here yet, is he?

**Mouse: **True but…

**Tisiphone: ***keeps walking*

**Mouse: ***keeps stalking*

**Wisp Wraith: **Hi! I am going to throw a lightning bolt at you in a pathetic attempt to kill you!

**Mouse: **EEEEEP! *hides*

**Tisiphone: **_"Coward."_ Okay, don't mind if I send a bolt at you!

**Wisp Wraith: **No problem, ma- *dies*

**Tisiphone: **Too easy.

**Mouse: **OHMIGOSH YOU'RE LIKE TOTALLY AWESOME!

**Tisiphone: **… I know. WORSHIP ME! MORTAL!

**Twisted Structure:** *is shiny*

**Tisiphone: ***touches*

**Codex: **An explanation of the Dark City

**Tisiphone:** SHUT UP! *raids a vase and gets some more healing things* Oh, cool. *keeps walking*

**Spirit of Valor:** *is cool*

**Mouse: **You suck.

**Spirit of Valor: **Blah, blah, blah, you mages should try and kill each other in order to become mages and not be sent here to fight demons.

**Tisiphone: **Why? I mean, demons are kind of our specialty. And besides, all those wisp wraiths provide excellent target practice.

**Spirit of Valor:** Oh em… yes… anyway…

**Mouse: **Ha Ha!

**Tisiphone: **Shut up Nelson.

**Mouse: **Sir, yes sir!

**Tisiphone: **Who's a good boy? You're a good boy!

**Spirit of Valor: **Anyway, I hope you survive fighting that demon!

**Tisiphone: **Yes… did you make those shiny weapons and stuff, the ones back there?

**Spirit of Valor: **No. My MIND made them!

**Tisiphone: **… because that clearly isn't part of you…

**Spirit of Valor: ***is babbling* Here, fight me, and I'll give you a weapon.

**Tisiphone: **Fight you? What, do _you_ want to kill me instead?

**Spirit of Valor: **:O How dare you accuse me of such evil! I am the most noble spirit of all! I'm no demon preying upon helpless mortals to steal their essence! I AM A WARRIOR!

**Tisiphone: **… so you challenge helpless mortals to duels?

**Spirit of Valors brain: ***implodes*

**Spirit of Valor: **Anyway… you're a rude and a cocksure little bastard so I'll bet you're going to defeat that demon. Here's your staff.

**Tisiphone: **Good spirit.

**Spirit of Valor: **Yeah… sure…

**Tisiphone: ***leaves*

**Spirit Wolves:** KEEL ZE 'UMAN!

**Tisiphone:** ATTACK!

A few moments later...

**Spirit Wolves: ***are dead*

**Mouse: **OMIGOSH YOU'RE SO AWESOME!

**Tisiphone: **I know. *pauses* What the hell…? Is that what I think it is?

**Mouse: **Eh… no…

**Tisiphone: **You jizzed on my robes when I wasn't looking, right?

**Mouse: **no…

**Tisiphone: **You're disgusting.

**Mouse: **yes…

**Tisiphone:** *keeps walking*

**Sloth Demon: ***is sleepy* Hey, did you bring that mouse so that I can eat him?

**Mouse: **He's a bad person. Let's go.

**Sloth Demon: **Eh. I hope you die so that I can eat whatever scraps there are left.

**Tisiphone: **Why don't you try and kill me yourself?

**Sloth Demon: **Meh. You'll just run. Now go away, you bore me.

**Tisiphone: **Do you know anything useful? Like how you get mouse-jizz from your robes?

**Sloth Demon: **Just poke it away with your staff.

**Mouse: **You know… he could probably teach you to be like him…

**Sloth Demon:** Why? She's going to fail anyway. I can teach you, however.

**Mouse:** Eh… but how would I hide?

**Tisiphone: **Coward.

**Mouse: **I'm no coward! I have waited for years, and years to get out of this place!

**Tisiphone: ***raises eyebrows*

**Mouse: **Okay, I'll try.

**Sloth Demon: **No. I'm too tired to teach you.

**Tisiphone: **Teach him. Or else…

**Sloth Demon: **If you answer three riddles correctly.

**Tisiphone: **Somehow I already know the answers so no, I think I'll just threaten you instead… teach him… or DIE!

**Sloth Demon: **SILENCE! I KILL YOU!

**Tisiphone:** Meh… I think I'll just attack you now, 'kay? *attacks*

A fight ensues...

**Sloth Demon: **OKAY OKAY OKAY! I GIVE UP! LEAVE ME BE! I'LL TEACH THE SON OF A BITCH!

**Tisiphone: **Good demon!

**Mouse: **I am really fat now.

**Tisiphone: **Yeah I know, just don't jizz on me again, or else…

**Mouse: **Okay…

And then they leave, fight some more wolves and then they go back to the Creepy Ring of Fire.

**Demon: **MOAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH *chokes on his laughter* DAMMIT!

**Mouse: **That guy is a spirit of rage.

**Tisiphone: **Looks more like a spirit of lava.

**Demon: **So… You're here at last… Thanks Mouse, we'll dine on elven flesh tonight!

**Mouse: **Yeah, no…

**Tisiphone: **DIIIIIEEEE!111oneoneone

**Mouse: ***jizzes all over himself* ZOMG YOU'RE SO GOOD!

**Tisiphone: **Yeah… I can see that…

**Mouse: **You're a TRUE mage! Sorry for killing people though.

**Tisiphone: **You're obviously trying to get something from me.

**Mouse: **blah blah *gives a speech* You know… if you want to I can totally attach myself to you and then I'll leave to wreak havoc on the world.

**Tisiphone: **Yeah right. Do you think I'm stupid?

**Mouse: **SHUT UP! I'M NOT EVIL! *turns into a demon* true tests never end…

**Tisiphone: **Oooh, ominous!

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><p><strong>So... this was short. The next chapter is going to be uploaded today probably and I'm probably making it longer. This was just the part in the Fade.<strong>

**also, _Italics_ + "" means someone's thinking. But I'm going to assume that you had figured that out already, so...**

**... anyway... R&R everyone! ^^**

**I think that's all, really. Or maybe not...  
><strong>**Tisiphone is one of the Erinyes in Greek mytholgoy, her name means "avenging murder", it's derived from _'tisis'_ = "Vengeance" and _'phone'_ = "murder". **

**There was something more... shit I can't- oh wait, now I remember! (hehe ^_^') if anyone wants me to raise the rating, please tell me and I'll do it. Even though I don't really see the point considering I don't fall under the category of an M-rating so... yeah... anyway...**


	2. Talking to Templars

**I don't own _Harry Potter_, _A Very Potter Musical_, _The Simpsons _or _The Longest Yard._**

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><p><strong>Chapter TWO: Talking to Templars<strong>

**Jowan: **OMG! ARE YOU OKAY?

**Tisiphone: **You're not going to jizz on me are you?

**Jowan: **Huh?

**Tisiphone:** Nothing…

**Jowan:** Where have you been all night?

**Tisiphone:** Wouldn't you like to know?

**Jowan:** …

**Tisiphone:** …

**Jowan:** So… what's the Harrowing like?

**Tisiphone:** Oh it's nothing. You just have to prove what you can do.

**Jowan:** So why won't they tell apprentices what's it about?

**Tisiphone:** I entered the Fade. It was really boring and blurry.

**Jowan:** Really? That's it?

**Tisiphone:** And then I had to fight demons.

**Jowan:** Oh… so they put you at risk for becoming an abomination.

**Tisiphone:** Yup.

**Jowan:** Sigh… you're going to get to move to a first class suite and I'll be stuck here and probably never go through the Harrowing.

**Tisiphone: **Yeah, whatever.

**Jowan: **You're mean.

**Tisiphone:** Yeah sure.

**Jowan:** I don't think they want to test me.

**Tisiphone:** Why not?

**Jowan:** *is totally not suspicious* I think they want to strip me of my powers and emotions.

**Tisiphone:** Huh… cool. Ehm, they're not going to kill you.

**Jowan:** I said they're going to take away my powers and emotions!

**Tisiphone:** Sure you did.

**Jowan:** … you know Owain?

**Tisiphone:** What about him?

**Jowan:** He's creepy.

**Tisiphone:** Yeah… haven't you noticed my total lack of emotion?

**Jowan:** He's still creepier than you are.

**Tisiphone's Bloodstream:** Did he just insult our mistress?

**Tisiphone's Face:** I think he did…

**Tisiphone's Bloodstream:** Oh hell no! *a tic starts on Tisiphone's Face*

**Tisiphone:** …

**Jowan:** Anyway, Irving wants to see you.

**Tisiphone:** Yeah kthnxbye!

**Jowan:** Bye.

**Random Female Apprentice Mage #1:** OMG CULLEN THINKS THAT TISIPHONE IS TOTALLY AWESOME!

**Random Female Apprentice Mage #2:** Yeah. I know. *is jealous*

**Gamer Who's Just Started Playing The Game:** Who the hell is Cullen?

**Experienced Player:** Just a Templar Asshole.

**Cullen Fangirls:** OMG TAKE THAT BACK YOU BITCH!

**People Who Just Like Cullen For His Stammering Cuteness But Otherwise Dislike Him:** YEAH, HE'S CUTER THAN YOU'LL EVER BE!

**Cullen Fangirls:** POSERS! DIIIIIIIEEEEEE!

**Tisiphone:** Well that was interesting. *loots the entire room*

**Random Female Apprentice Mage #Unknown: ***Has brown hair and wrinkly skin*

**Tisiphone: **The hell happened to her? *leaves*

**Templar #1: ***is annoying*

**Templar #2: **Shut up…

**Templar #1: **There's no one here.

**Templar #2: **Someone's always watching…

**Tisiphone: **_"Funny thing is… he's actually right… lol!"_

**Templar #1: **Hey, did you hear about the apprentice that they're going to send for…

**Templar 2: **Shut up!

**Templar #1: **Okay… *is sad*

**Tisiphone: **_"The hell was that about?"_

**Jowan: **Funny story about that…

**Tisiphone: ***loots random vase* Hey… a staff! I think I'm going to equip it!

**Templar #2: **Shut up!

**Templar #1:** I didn't say anything!

**Templar #2:** Then who did?

**Templar #1:** …

**Templar #2:** …

**Tisiphone:** *approaches with staff on her back* Hi guys!

**Templar #1:** Hi. I'm Bran.

**Tisiphone:** I know! It says so right over your head!

**Bran:** It does? *looks up* I can't see anything.

**Tisiphone:** Hahahahahahah fooled you!

**Bran:** … very funny.

**Templar #2:** Haha!

**Tisiphone:** So… that's a big door.

**Bran:** Yeah, appreciate that update, Captain Obvious.

**Tisiphone:** Can you open the door?

**Bran:** Haha, you're funny. But seriously. The Knight-Commander would kill me. Also, I'm too weak to do that.

**Tisiphone:** Sissy.

**Bran:** …

**Tisiphone:** Why can't I leave?

**Bran:** Because we hate you all.

**Tisiphone:** So this is the only way out?

**Bran:** You could always jump out a window.

**Tisiphone:** Right… So what's out there?

**Bran:** Ferelden. Nothing interesting. Farms and some rivers.

**Tisiphone:** And freedom.

**Bran:** Yes… that too…

**Tisiphone:** And assholes that hate elves.

**Bran:** Don't forget the ones that hate mages on top of that.

**Tisiphone:** … I should get going.

**Bran:** Maker smile fortune on you.

**Tisiphone:** You do realize that I hate the Maker for what he's done to me and all my friends, right?

**Bran:** …

**Tisiphone:** Bye!

**Templar #2:** What a pleasant girl.

**Bran:** It's not worth it dude. Cullen's already hitting that.

**Gamer Who's Just Started Playing The Game:** Who the hell is Cullen?

**Cullen Fangirls: ***swoons*

**Bran:** Hey… are apprentices allowed to carry staves?

**Templar #2:** I don't know…

**Tisiphone:** *runs for her life*

**Random Male Apprentice Mage #1: **Did you hear? They're suspecting someone of dabbling in Blood Magic!

**Random Male Apprentice Mage #2:** Oh my god that's so stupid!

**Random Male Apprentice Mage #1:** Still… think of that power…

**Random Male Apprentice Mage #2:** Yes… All that power…

**Templars:** *burst into the room and abducts everyone talking about blood magic and power*

**Tisiphone:** _"Mmm… power…"_ *drools* Hey where did everyone go?

**Tisiphone continues on her honorable quest. Looting everything she sees. She stops in the huge ass library and watches as some random apprentice is training.**

**Random Male Enchanter: **Okay, don't get too nervous when you're doing that. You'll just hurt yourself.

**Random Male Apprentice Mage #3: **H-hurt myself? B-but… *bursts into flames*

**Random Male Enchanter: **Sigh… *puts out the fire*

**Tisiphone: **Puny little human…

**Random Male Apprentice Mage #3: **What did you say?

**Tisiphone: **Nothing of importance.

**Random Male Apprentice Mage #3:** Okay!

**Tisiphone continues on her way and overhears some kids being tutored.**

**Random Male Kid Apprentice Mage #1: ***is correct*

**Random Male Kid Apprentice Mage #2: ***is a misogynistic asshole*

**Tisiphone: ***Fries him*

**Random Female Kid Apprentice Mage: **Hahahahahahahahahahaha!

**Female Enchanter #1: **Oh Maker… they're so adorable. Almost as adorable as you were when you were that age!

**Tisiphone: **Yeah sure… *fries the kid again and then leaves*

**Random Female Apprentice Mage #3: **Gerda told me the Templars watches when we bathe. I hope that's not true.

**Author: ***is deeply disturbed*

**Tisiphone (along with Cullen Fangirls): **I'm so gonna use that one on Cullen!

**Gamer Who's Just Started Playing The Game:** Who the hell is Cullen?

**And so Tisiphone continues on her way, touching shiny books and getting XP's and forcing everyone to talk to her.**

**Eadric: **Move bitch! You're in the way!

**Tisiphone:** In the way for what?

**Eadric:** My light!

**Tisiphone:** Oh. Yeah sure. I'm sorry if I just wanted to talk to someone else of my kin.

**Eadric:** Oh yeah, that. I think we're the humans superiors.

**Tisiphone:** ME TOO!

**Eadric:** We're more attuned to magic.

**Tisiphone:** THAT TOO!

**Eadric:** *talks about the Dalish*

**Tisiphone:** I wish I could speak the old language and confuse everyone.

**Eadric:** Yeah… where are you from?

**Tisiphone:** I lived in Lothering. I don't know why I just said that. I don't even know where it is.

**Eadric:** Yeah, well anyway, we're in the Circle now.

**Tisiphone:** Yeah, I guess that's better.

**Eadric:** I just love the fact that everyone that's ever looked down on me now will fear me instead!

**Tisiphone:** Word.

**Eadric:** Anyway, bye.

**Tisiphone:** Bye.

**Author:** ZOMG! HE'S JUST SO CUTE! Wait… did I just go fangirl over him? Seriously, what's wrong with me? First the red-haired elf pickpocket in DA II and now this guy? The hell?

**Tisiphone:** You liked a pickpocket in the sequel before you liked this guy?

**Author:** Apparently… Now continue on your way.

**Tisiphone: **Right… *goes somewhere and listens to some Senior Enchanter and some guy named Niall* (**People Who Have Played Far Enough In The Game To Know Why He Has A Name: **Gasp!)

**Niall: **I think someone wants to speak to you.

**Tisiphone:** … not really, but anyway… *speaks*

**Time: ***Fast Forwards to an interesting time, skips talking to someone who claimed to have been a possible recruit and the raiding of Duncan's room*

**Tisiphone: **Oh, hi Cullen.

**Gamer Who's Just Started Playing The Game: **So _that's_ Cullen.

**Cullen Fangirls: **OHMIGOSH I KNOW HE'S SO GREAT AND ADORABLE AND MANLY AND AND AND…!1

**People Who Just Like Cullen For His Stuttering Cuteness But Otherwise Dislike Him:** AND CUTE!

**Cullen Fangirls:** POSERS! DIIIIIIIEEEEEE!

**Cullen: ***stutters* Hi. *is cute* I'm happy you survived.

**Tisiphone: **Yeah, me too. Why are you stuttering?

**Cullen:** I uh… I'm not.

**Tisiphone:** *raises eyebrow*

**Cullen:** I uh… I… *blushes* _"holycrapholycrapholycrap!"_

**Cullen Fangirls:** *faints*

**Cullen:** I'm just happy you're alright. And not dead. Because I would kill myself if you were.

**Tisiphone:** _"Aaaaaw! What's wrong with me? I hate humans and Templars!" _Would you really have struck me down?

**Cullen:** I… yes. But I would've felt terrible about it. Also I have no will of my own.

**Tisiphone:** *disapproves* Let's go somewhere else and talk about your lack of tact and the proper way of replying to a question like that when it's asked by a beautiful woman. Just kidding, you know what I want ;)

**Cullen:** *instant boner* I uh… I don't know what you're talking about.

**Tisiphone:** I know that you have a boner right now. I can see it through that Templar skirt of yours.

**Cullen:** _"Oh holy CRAP! RUN, CULLEN, RUN!"_ *blushes* I couldn't… eh… I should go now… *runs for his life*

**Tisiphone:** _"Coward."_ *is immediately torn to shreds by the Cullen Fangirls*

**Meanwhile, on floor one…**

**Bran: **Oh hi Cullen.

**Cullen:** *pants* Can I… Can you open the door so that I can you know… get some fresh air?

**Bran: **Sure. But eh… we're going to need help opening the door. Hey dude (talks to Templar #2) get Alistair for us will you?

**Templar #2:** Eh Bran… Alistair left half a year ago.

**Bran:** Oh. Well, just get that Anders guy, I hear he's eager to try and escape again; maybe we'll have to chase him.

**Templar #2:** Sure.

* * *

><p><strong>Told you there'd be a new chapter up today ;)<strong>

**You know what's funny... I don't think I've ever watched _The Longest Yard_... I just know that quote...**

**R&R! :D**


	3. And Then There Was A Plot

**I don't own _Harry Potter, A Very Potter Musical, The Wheel Of Time-series _or_ Uncharted 2._**

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><p><strong>Chapter THREE: And Then There Was A Plot<strong>

**Back with Tisiphone… (who has been raiding the entire tower, convincing stupid human apprentice mages to go become tranquil and has finally reached her destination).**

**Templar Guy:** *is mad*

**Mage Guy:** *is smart*

**Other Guy:** *is cool*

**Tisiphone:** Yo.

**Irivng:** Hello. Come here.

**Other Guy:** Who the hell is this?

**Irving:** It's She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.

**Greagoir:** I hate you all.

**Irving:** Whatever. This is Duncan by the way.

**Duncan:** *is cool*

**Tisiphone:** Sup dude.

**Irving:** Duncan is here to recruit mages to certain death in about thirty years or so.

**Tisiphone:** Can I come?

**Duncan:** Sure. We need mages anyway.

**Tisiphone:** Huh?

**Duncan:** You're totally awesome.

**Tisiphone:** I know.

**Irving:** The poor girl becomes troubled when you talk about Blights.

**Tisiphone:** The poor girl? Really?

**Irving:** *babbles* Your phylactery is in Denerim now, also, you're a mage of the Circle now.

**Tisiphone:** I'd rather be an Aes Sedai of Black Ajah…

**Irving:** A what?

**Tisiphone:** I don't know… they don't have leashes.

**Irving:** It's not that bad.

**Duncan:** What's a phylactery?

**Irving:** Oh, just a vial of blood.

**Duncan:** That the Templars use to hunt mages.

**Irving:** Pretty much. Here's your robes and staff anyway.

**Tisiphone:** I've already found a staff.

**Irving:** *is blind*

**Tisiphone:** So now what?

**Irving:** Do whatever you want. Just keep your mouth shut about the Harrowing.

**Tisiphone:** Sure…

**Jowan:** Funny story about that…

**Duncan:** I'm going to my room.

**Irving:** Tis, follow Duncan.

**Tisiphone:** _"Tis?"_ Why? Doesn't he know where they are?

**Irving:** You're supposed to act like a grown up.

**Tisiphone:** Then sure, I'll be happy to escort him.

**Irving:** *says something Tisiphone supposedly already knows*

**Tisiphone:** Yeah, yeah, whatever. Follow me bitch.

**Duncan:** *follows* Thanks for walking with me by the way.

**Tisiphone:** Yeah, sure, I just wanted to talk more.

**Duncan:** About what?

**Tisiphone:** Eh… I don't know, let me check my alternatives… okay, have there been many darkspawn attacks?

**Duncan:** Yeah. The Korcari Wilds are currently the base of a horde of darkspawn. Me and my friends think that an archdemon is leading the horde.

**Tisiphone:** … we're screwed aren't we?

**Duncan:** Pretty much.

**Tisiphone:** So the king is mustering an army to beat back this threat?

**Duncan:** Yeah. *does not believe it will work*

**Tisiphone:** So what's Greagoir's problem?

**Duncan:** I don't want to talk about that.

**Tisiphone:** Pretty please?

**Duncan:** Sure. Greagoir hates mages because he's with the Chantry.

**Tisiphone:** I appreciate that update Captain Obvious. Anyway, they were arguing about the war. Why?

**Duncan:** Because mages who leave will be able to fuck the darkspawn up really bad by using their full power. Greagoir is a wuss and is afraid he'll lose control over the mages if they are allowed to do that.

**Tisiphone:** And what do you think?

**Duncan:** I'll do whatever it takes to defeat the Blight.

**Tisiphone:** … so you're as unscrupulous as I am? Cool man. High five!

**Duncan:** … let's keep going.

**Tisiphone:** Sure.

**In Duncan's room…**

**Duncan:** Thank you for escorting me.

**Tisiphone:** Yeah, whatever. *leaves*

**Duncan:** What a pleasant young girl.

**Jowan:** *is totally not suspicious*

**Tisiphone:** Hi Jowan. Were you stalking me again?

**Jowan:** I was hoping that wouldn't be an issue. Anyway, do you remember what we discussed earlier?

**Tisiphone:** You're acting really suspicious, you know that don't you?

**Jowan:** Shh! I don't want anyone to hear me!

**Tisiphone:** Just don't waste my time.

**Jowan:** It won't take long. Now, follow me. *walks*

**Jowan:** We should be safe here.

**Tisiphone:** There's a priest right there.

**Priest:** I'm just an initiate.

**Tisiphone:** Like that matters. So Jowan, what's going on?

**Jowan:** Well, I told you I had a girlfriend right? So… Here she is. Her name is Lily.

**Tisiphone:** This fat cow is your lover?

**Jowan:** What the- she's right here! Sorry Lily.

**Lily:** I'm used to that. I just wonder if we can trust her.

**Jowan:** She's a bit rude sometimes, but I'd trust her with my life.

**Tisiphone:** Thanks. And aw, that's so sweet! :D

**Lily:** *disapproves -100*

**Tisiphone:** Why are we talking about trust?

**Jowan:** I'm going to be made tranquil. *rambles on about what will happen*

**Tisiphone:** And I should care why?

**Jowan:** Help me destroy my phylactery.

**Lily:** We'll tell you our plan if you help.

**Tisiphone:** Sure.

**Lily:** Thank you. We will never forget this.

**Tisiphone:** And if you do I'll hunt you down and kill you myself.

**Lily:** Deal.

**Tisiphone:** So what's the plan?

**Lily:** We're breaking into the repository. But we can't open a door.

**Tisiphone:** So we're going to break through a door?

**Jowan:** A rod of fire could work.

**Tisiphone:** *giggles* Rod… *giggles*

**Jowan and Lily:** _"What the hell is wrong with her?"_

**Tisiphone:** I can get that rod for you…

**Lily:** *is smart*

**Tisiphone:** Good idea.

**Lily:** Good luck. Our prayers go with you.

**Tisiphone:** I don't need no prayers:

**Lily:** That's a double negative.

**Tisiphone:** Shut up… *leaves*

**And then she leaves and meets someone with PMS.**

**Someone With PMS: **Yes?

**Tisiphone:** Who are you?

**Someone With PMS:** Senior Enchanter Leorah. I'm in charge of something. What do you want?

**Tisiphone:** That's a big door. Where does it lead?

**Leorah:** It leads to some caverns.

**Leorah:** No, the Tranquil has those. We only have the raw material, like lyrium and basilisk blood.

**Tisiphone:** Do you have basilisk venom too?

**Leorah:** Why would you want that?

**Tisiphone:** I just thought it might come in handy for someone named Harry Potter.

**Leorah:** Who?

**Tisiphone:** I have no idea. Can I look inside those caverns?

**Leorah:** Eh… no…

**Tisiphone:** Why not?

**Leorah:** I don't want to.

**Tisiphone:** Are you stealing from the Circle's stores?

**Leorah:** NO! I'm just checking inventory. I don't want anyone to mess things up.

**Tisiphone:** Why are you out here and not in there?

**Leorah:** I'm taking a break. I hate the smell in there.

**Tisiphone:** *raises eyebrow*

**Leorah:** Okay, it's no use… there's an infestation of spiders there. I think I let them in actually, but I don't want anyone to know because they'll think I'm incompetent.

**Tisiphone:** Aren't you?

**Leorah:** I hope not… I mean NO! I am a good mage! I've just been busy.

**Tisiphone:** I guess I could kill some spiders for you.

**Leorah:** I would owe you one.

**Tisiphone:** All right. Give me the key.

**Leorah:** Just be careful.

**Tisiphone:** *unlocks the door and enters some huge ass caverns*

* * *

><p><strong>Yeah, I totally changed from normal text to bold text on parts where there's just text. Okay, that's a bit confusing...<strong>

**Oh and I forgot the disclaimer of Uncharted 2 in the last chapter. The same quote is in this chapter however so ^^**

**And yeah, I totally just uploaded a the third chapter on the same day that I uploaded (and started) this story XD I'm still playing actually, so I'll get back to the playing and writing and I hope that I can upload the next chapter soon.**

**R&R!**


	4. The Caverns of the CreepyCrawlies &

**I do not own _Assassin's Creed, The Simpsons, A Very Potter Musical, Harry Potter, Spiderman, Meet the Spartans _or _Nigahiga._**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter FOUR: The Caverns of the Creepy-Crawlies and the Rod of Fire and the Betrayal<strong>

**Tisiphone: **Right, let's see what's in here… *loots the first room* Alright, a necklace, a lyrium potion and an ugly-ass mages hat that I'll never ever wear! Awesome!

**Tisiphone continues on her brave quest and kills the first spider and gets some money for the trouble. Why the spider had money in the first place is something we'll leave up to the game developers to answer.**

**Game Developers: **Well you see… Eh… *looks around frantically for a way out* Here's a DLC!

**Players:** AWESOME!

**Game Developers:** Phew.

**Tisiphone continues killing spiders and raiding their cocoons. She receives elfroot, health poultices, a ring, more lyrium potions, more money, another apprentice cowl, a pair of magical boots, a belt and of course XP's. And by "receives" I of course means steals/loots.**

**Our brave heroine exits the caverns.**

**Tisiphone: **That was easy.

**Leorah:** Are the spiders gone?

**Tisiphone:** … no, that's why I'm here instead of there… of course they're gone!

**Leorah:** Wonderful! You just saved my ass!

**Tisiphone:** And you'll keep the creepy-crawlies away?

**Leorah:** Yeah, exactly, maybe.

**Desmond:** Exactly maybe?

**Tisiphone:** Get your own parody.

**Desmond:** Okay…

**Tisiphone:** Good assassin. *leaves*

**Owain:** *is creepy*

**Tisiphone:** Hi, I need a rod of fire.

**Owain:** Why?

**Tisiphone:** Because I'm going to burn stuff.

**Owain:** Get someone to sign this form and I'll give you your rod of fire.

**Tisiphone:** Wow, that was easy.

**Owain:** What was easy?

**Tisiphone:** Nothing.

**Owain:** Okay.

**Tisiphone:** Bye.

**Owain:** Bye.

**Tisiphone:** *leaves and heads back to Leorah* Sign this please.

**Leorah:** Okay.

**Tisiphone:** Excellent… *leaves and heads back to Owain* Give me my rod.

**Owain:** Here you go.

**Tisiphone:** Bye.

**Owain:** Bye.

**Tisiphone:** *leaves and heads straight for Irving*

**Irving:** Hi. Did you take Duncan to his quarters?

**Tisiphone:** Yeah.

**Irving:** Duncan is one of the kindest, bravest, gentlest, sexiest men I have ever met.

**Tisiphone:** … yeah…

**Irving:** Grey Wardens sacrifice everything for us. We can learn stuff from them. What did you want, anyway?

**Tisiphone:** … why do you have books on blood magic on your desk?

**Irving:** … You looked on my desk? Anyway… I was told that apprentices shouldn't read those books. Something about satanic stuff. I'm going to hide them somewhere someone who only wants the books but doesn't want to read them can find them.

**Tisiphone:** The stockroom caverns, right?

**Irving:** … yes… did you want something else?

**Tisiphone:** Yeah, Jowan says he's going to be made tranquil.

**Irving:** How the hell did he know that? Oh, Lily. She probably told him.

**Players:** How the hell did he know that?

**Irving:** I know everything that happens here.

**Tisiphone:** So it's true?

**Irving:** Yes. Greagoir has an eyewitness, and Jowan is totally going to be made a tranquil

**Tisiphone:** You do realize that Jowan is planning an escape right?

**Irving:** Really? Do you know anything else?

**Tisiphone:** What's in it for me?

**Irving:** We'll remember your candor.

**Tisiphone:** Oh, okay, Jowan and Lily are going to destroy Jowan's phylactery.

**Irving:** Do you know anything else?

**Tisiphone:** Yeah, they told me their plan.

**Irving:** I never thought Jowan of all people would have the balls to break into the repository.

**Tisiphone:** So what are we going to do now?

**Irving:** We're going to make sure that Lily is also brought to justice.

**Tisiphone:** You can always say that she was helping.

**Irving:** No, she must be caught with her hand in the cookie-jar, otherwise the Chantry is going to say that she was framed.

**Tisiphone:** You're right. That bloody Chantry would do that to us.

**Irving:** *is smart* by the way, do they trust you?

**Tisiphone:** Yeah, they asked me to help them with the break-in.

**Irving:** Excellent! Go back to them and carry out that scheme.

**Tisiphone:** Sure.

**Irving:** Lie and tell them that you will risk all for their cause. I'll wait outside the repository.

**Tisiphone:** *leaves*

**Jowan:** *is impatient*

**Tisiphone:** Here's the rod of fire.

**Jowan:** Oh my maker, that was quick!

**Tisiphone:** … no, it wasn't…

**Lily:** Let's go!

**Trio of Sinful Initiate, Blood Mage and Traitorous BFF leaves and heads for the basement. Everyone around them are painfully oblivious to them.**

**Lily:** *gives a tour of the place* This door has a lot of planks in it, symbolizing-

**Tisiphone:** Just get on with it.

**Lily:** I know the password, I just need a mage to touch the door with mana.

**Tisiphone:** So? I said get on with it.

**Lily:** *says cheesy-ass password*

**Tisiphone:** My mage-senses are tingling.

**Lily:** Put a spell on the door.

**Tisiphone:** *Freezes the door?*

**Door:** *opens*

**Jowan:** Melt the locks off the door!

**Tisiphone:** Sure.

**Door #2:** Hahahahahaha, that doesn't work!

**Lily:** Why isn't it working?

**Tisiphone:** Maybe the rod is broken.

**Jowan:** I can't cast spells here…

**Lily:** *conveniently sees some runes beside the door.* Those negate magic around here, we're not going to be able to get in here!

**Tisiphone:** What's that door over there?

**Lily:** Maybe it's another way in?

**Jowan:** What are the chances?

**Tisiphone:** It's worth a try.

**Lily:** The door looks locked.

**Tisiphone:** Well, the rod should work on those locks, right?

**Lily:** Unless it's warded as well.

**Jowan:** Just get on with it.

**Creepy Armor:** *is creepy*

**Tisiphone:** *melts the locks off the door*

**Creepy Armor:** *is moving*

**Everyone:** KILL IT!

**Lily:** *has weapons*

**Tisiphone and Players:** _"Where the hell did she get those?"_

**The Trio of Traitors keep killing everything that moves, with Tisiphone picking up every single thing she can find.**

**Tisiphone: ***opens chest in the repository* Ooh… pretty staff… *immediately changes to the new staff*

**Creepy Statue: ***is creepy*

**Jowan:** *is scared*

**Creepy Statue: **Hello there.

**Jowan: **Holy shit, I just crapped in my man-thong.

**Creepy Statue:** Hi, I'm the spirit of some woman, I was consort and advisor to some guy named Valerius.

**Tisiphone: **Valerius?

**Creepy Statue: ***is talking*

**Lily:** *is paranoid*

**Tisiphone:** Is it still alive?

**Creepy Statue:** I'm just stone. *keeps talking*

**Tisiphone:** What the hell are you on about?

**Jowan:** I can do that too. 'The sun grows dark but lo! Here comes the dawn'.*

**Lily:** *thinks that anything by the Tevinter imperium is evil* Please shut up, all of you!

**Tisiphone:** It's useless to us anyway.

**Another Statue:** *is there*

**Lily:** Why does the circle keep so many things that come from the Tevinter imperium?

**Jowan:** Because it's interesting?

**Tisiphone:** I really have no idea what this one does. It's not talking.

**Jowan:** I've seen pictures of things like this! It amplifies spells!

**Tisiphone:** I suppose we could amplify the rod's power…

**Jowan:** The wall behind that bookcase looks like it's in bad shape. Let's move the bookcase! It looks easy.

**Tisiphone:** I think it looks heavy.

**Jowan:** That's what teamwork is for!

**Tisiphone:** *uses the amplifier and the rod*

**The Circle Tower:** *falls into pieces*

**Tisiphone:** Woups.

**Jowan:** Hells yeah! This is the phylactery chamber!

**Lily:** We have to find Jowans phylactery!

**Tisiphone:** It's a shame they've taken mine to Denerim.

**Jowan:** Would you destroy yours too?

**Tisiphone:** Of course I would. And then I'd escape and become a Grey Warden and I'd kick Templar ass.

**Lily:** You're smarter than me so you'd probably be able to do that anyway.

**Jowan:** I want to get out of here now, please?

**And then the Trio of Awesomeness kills some more things and everyone is happy when they find the phylactery. Especially Jowan who destroys it. **_**Dramatically.**_

**Experienced Player: ***Strips Jowan and Lily of clothes and weapons to sell them later*

**Jowan's Muscles: ***are shiny*

**Tisiphone:** Why did I never fuck you?

**Greagoir: **So what you said was true Irving.

**Tisiphone: **You guys are in BIG trouble.

**Greagoir:** So Lily has betrayed us. And then this one. She just became a mage.

**Jowan:** It's all my fault!

**Irving:** Actually, I sent her to help them.

**Jowan:** *drops his jaw* Tisiphone was a traitor?

**Everyone:** Traitoro was a traitor?"

**Tisiphone:** Of course I was.

**Jowan:** I hate you.

**Greagoir:** I hate you all. Kill the blood mage and throw the initiate in prison.

**Jowan:** NO WAY *stabs himself and fights! The emo way!*

**Lily:** Holy shit, stay away from me blood mage!

**Jowan:** *runs away. In his small clothes*

**Irving:** Are you okay?

**Tisiphone:** Yeah for some reason he left me out of the spells reach. I don't know why, I certainly wouldn't have done so.

**Greagoir:** I knew that bastard was a blood mage!

**Tisiphone:** I didn't trust him.

**Irving:** No one did.

**Greagoir:** I hate the world! There's a blood mage on the loose and we can't track him down!

**Tisiphone:** Hey how did you know that he destroyed his phylactery

**Greagoir:** I hate you, initiate.

**Tisiphone:** *is nice* Lily didn't know that he was a blood mage.

**Lily:** Shut up, I hate you. I was wrong. I'll go to Aeonar if you want me to.

**Greagoir:** ANYWAY! YOU, new mage person, you were in a room full of magical things!

**Irving:** Did you take anything?

**Tisiphone:** Nope. I did not.

**Everyone:** *fails to notice that the staff she's carrying was obviously not the one she had earlier*

**Irving:** Okay.

**Greagoir:** We should do something about you just because you made me look like a fool.

**Tisiphone:** Uh, I was just following orders!

**Irving:** Yes, I told her to do so.

**Greagoir:** Only me and you are supposed to use the chamber for our romantic evenings!

**Duncan:** Hi, I want this one to be a Grey Warden.

**Irving:** Yay!

**Greagoir:** No way!

**Tisiphone:** Screw you, I'm going anyway.

**Duncan:** We need mages.

**Greagoir:** She's not worth it!

**Irving:** Why not? She's totally been useful and we tend to reward usefulness. You can go if you want to.

**Tisiphone:** Hooray! Then I guess there's nothing more for me here.

**Duncan:** *is awesome*

* * *

><p><strong>W00t! Chapter Four up! And now I have to sleep, because it's "late" here in Sweden.<strong>

**Anyway, I don't really have anything else to say, so bye!**

**And remember: Reviews make Tisiphone like you :) !**

**haha, begging for reviews is fun!**


	5. Harassing People Is Fun!

**I don't own _The Mummy Returns, Shrek 2, Starship, lolcats, The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, AVPM _or _AVPS_ or _Harry Potter_.****  
><strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter FIVE: Harassing People Is Fun!<strong>

**Tisiphone:** Are we there yet?

**Duncan:** No.

**Tisiphone:** Are we there yet?

**Duncan:** No.

**Tisiphone:** Are we there yet?

**Duncan:** No.

**Tisiphone:** Are we there yet?

**Duncan:** No.

**Tisiphone:** Are we there yet?

**Duncan:** No.

**Tisiphone:** Are we there yet?

**Duncan:** No.

**Tisiphone:** Are we there yet?

**Duncan:** Yes!

**Dude In golden Armor:** Hello Duncan!

**Duncan:** Oh shit… King Cailan…

**Cailan: **Hi, friend. So who are you?

**Tisiphone:** I am no friend of yours, human lord.

**Cailan:** Haha, she's feisty. I like her. So you're from the Circle of Magi, do you know any spells?

**Tisiphone:** I'm going to kick ass.

**Cailan:** Excellent. Let me welcome you to Ostagar!

**Tisiphone:** Your welcome means nothing to me, human lord.

**Duncan:** You're speaking to the king of Ferelden.

**Cailan:** Meh, I'm used to insults. Do you have any news?

**Duncan:** Your uncle says hello.

**Cailan:** Yeah, he's still not going to be needed for the fight.

**Tisiphone:** So things are going well?

**Cailan:** Yeah… but I wanted to see the archdemon… anyway, I have to go, Loghain is probably throwing a hissy fit trying to find me. *leaves*

**Duncan:** The king is correct. The battle is going well.

**Tisiphone:** He's an idiot.

**Duncan:** True… The horde is growing, they're outnumbering us by now. I know that there's an archdemon, but…

**Tisiphone:** The king is an idiot.

**Duncan:** Don't speak of the king like that. He's like a puppy, but he likes Grey Wardens. Anyway, we should get the Joining over with.

**Tisiphone:** Sure, can I eat first?

**Duncan:** Haha, yes, good idea! Anyway, we have to begin with the preparations for the Joining soon.

**Tisiphone:** Sure, let's go.

**Duncan:** You can explore the camp, just don't leave it. Look for Alistair when you're ready.

**Tisiphone:** Okay. _"So what are we going to do…?"_ *looks to the left* _"Oh, a tower. Let's go there!"_ *goes to the left*

**But first, a detour! To pick up some elfroot. And find a chest. Which is locked. Great.**

**Tower Guard: **Get the fuck away from here bitch!

**Tisiphone:** What is this tower? Why is it off-limits? This is a big ruin.

**Tower Guard:** *blinks stupidly* It's a watch tower. Teyrn Loghain decided that it was because of some lower chambers and-

**Tisiphone:** Lower chambers?

**Tower Guard:** I didn't see anything, but I blindly trust anyone with any kind of authority.

**Tisiphone:** … this is still a big ruin.

**Tower Guard:** Yeah. It's really old and made by dwarves so that's why it hasn't crumbled into dust like your tower.

**Tisiphone:** Eh… last time I checked, my tower was still standing.

**Tower Guard:** … okay, bye.

**Tisiphone:** Bye.

**And then she left to prove her craziness.**

**Guard #1: **Hi.

**Tisiphone:** Hi.

**Guard #1:** Are you lost?

**Tisiphone:** … no not really… anyway… bye.

**Guard #1:** Good for you.

**Tisiphone:** *leaves and finds some Templars to pester* Hi!

**Templar #1:** The mage's are in the fade. Get away from here.

**Tisiphone:** To me it just looks like they're casting ice spells. What are they doing in there by the way?

**Templar #1:** Hell if I know. Now go.

**Tisiphone:** … I just wanted to talk…

**Templar #2:** Leave anyway.

**Tisiphone:** *is sad*

**Creepy Old Woman: **Ah, so you are the new Grey Warden…

**Tisiphone:** Yes… do I know you?

**Creepy Old Woman: **I'm Wynne. I think the Fade is dangerous.

**Tisiphone:** Yeah, not really.

**Wynne:** Irving told me you were arrogant.

**Tisiphone:** When did he do that? I heard Greagoir say that you were in Ostagar already.

**Game Developers:** Oh eh… EXPANSION PACK! HERE!

**Players:** YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

**Wynne:** So you're going to fight with the king.

**Tisiphone:** He's an idiot.

**Wynne:** He reminds me of a puppy.

**Tisiphone:** Oh my Dead God, I know!

**Wynne:** … who's Dead God?

**Tisiphone:** … I don't know.

**Wynne:** We should all work together.

**Tisiphone:** Have you met any darkspawn?

**Wynne:** Some. What do you know of the connection between the darkspawn and the fade?

**Tisiphone:** I've never seen any darkspawn in the Fade.

**Wynne:** Well they're not there. The mages of the Tevinter Imperium blah blah, same old story… *babbles* that's what the Chant of Light says.

**Tisiphone:** I hate the Chantry.

**Wynne:** It might be lies. Or the truth. I don't really want to know.

**Tisiphone:** Oh alright then, I'm going to kill ever darkspawn I see anyway, so bye.

**Wynne:** You're smart, I do that too. Bye.

**Tisiphone:** *leaves and finds an exclamation-mark*

**Kennel Master:** Hi. This dog is dying, put a muzzle on it.

**Tisiphone:** Sure.

**Dog:** *is sick*

**Tisiphone:** *puts the muzzle on it*

**Kennel Master:** Thanks. I should have been able to do that myself but it's much more fun wasting your time.

**Tisiphone:** I think everyone thinks that.

**Kennel Master:** By the way, I want a flower, can you get it for me?

**Tisiphone:** Sure.

**Kennel Master:** Good.

**Tisiphone:** *leaves and stalks a random elf*

**Random Elf:** Do you want something?

**Tisiphone:** Yeah sure, why not?

**Random Elf:** … do you want me to deliver a message?

**Tisiphone:** I-

**Random Elf:** I heard that you're the new Grey Warden. Oh shit, I'm not in trouble, am I?

**Tisiphone:** What, do they send Grey Wardens to tell random elves that they're in trouble?

**Random Elf:** Oh wait, I know! You're the one who needs Ser Garlen's sword, right? I-

**Tisiphone:** Give it to me.

**Random Elf:** Oh my Creators, thanks, you've saved my ass. *runs off*

**Tisiphone:** … or not *evil laugh*

**Right, proving her craziness… *walking***

**Prisoner: **Psst! You want key? I has key.

**Tisiphone:** I can has key?

**Prisoner:** I can has cheeseburger?

**Tisiphone:** No *kills*

**Guard #2: **The hell are you doing?

**Tisiphone:** Dude, he totally tried to attack me first!

**Guard #2:** Hm, I guess I can let it slip then…

**Tisiphone:** Good guard. *leaves*

**Random Chest:** *is locked*

**Author:** … and that is the only reason I every play as anything other than a mage. Except for trophies.

**Tisiphone:** I hate locked chests…

**Oblivion Gate:** HAHA!

**Tisiphone:** SHUT UP!

**Oblivion Gate:** Okay…

**Priest:** Hi, do you want the Makers blessing?

**Tisiphone:** I'm an elf.

**Priest:** I give his blessings to everyone who wants them. He likes people who like him.

**Tisiphone:** … and he kills almost everyone who doesn't?

**Priest:** … I hate you.

**Tisiphone:** What is with you chantry people and hating? *leaves*

**Jory:** *has a name* Hi! Are you the third recruit?

**Tisiphone:** Why does everybody know everything about me already?

**Jory:** No idea. I'm a knight.

**Tisiphone:** …

**Jory:** I'm racist too. I didn't know elves could join, all the Grey Wardens I've seen were human.

**Tisiphone:** I hate you.

**Jory:** *is oblivious*

**Tisiphone:** You're stupid, aren't you?

**Jory:** … I like griffons.

**Tisiphone:** …

**Jory:** I don't anything about everything. The Joining ritual?

**Tisiphone:** *blinks* What, you don't like it?

**Jory:** I was kind of hoping that I could just join and be done with it.

**Tisiphone:** … Idiot.

**Jory:** Bye.

**Tisiphone:** Yeah, whatever.

**Leaves, talks to crazy people and finds another person with a name who's trying to pick up a blonde woman.**

**Daveth: **No? Okay… *turns around* You're not what I thought you'd be.

**Tisiphone:** Oh really? What did you think I'd be?

**Daveth:** Not an elf. I'm paranoid.

**Tisiphone:** Yeah, I can understand that.

**Daveth:** I think it's a punishment. I think we're going into the Wilds.

**Tisiphone:** So what?

**Daveth:** But there's monsters in there. And werewolves!

**Tisiphone:** …

**Daveth:** I'm forced to be here anyway.

**Tisiphone:** Whatever. *makes mistake* I'll watch your back if you'll watch mine.

**Daveth:** Oh I'll watch your back alright ;)

**Female Players:** OMG! *drools*

**Author:** Just me? Oh, okay… *is sad*

**Tisiphone:** *likes it* Charmer.

**Daveth:** Yeah! That's me!

**Female Players:** OMIGOSH!

**Author:** C'mon, it can't still be just me?

**Tisiphone:** *finds someone named Quartermaster* Hi

**Random Hufflepuff: **FIND!

**Tisiphone: **Get you own parody.

**Random Hufflepuff:** Okay…

**Quartermaster:** I'm racist, why the hell are you dressed like that?

**Tisiphone:** Because I can blow your head up?

**Quartermaster:** Oh shit… I'm so, so, sorry! *crawls on the ground*

**Tisiphone:** Unless you start treating your servants better, give me one reason not to kill you right here, right now.

**Quartermaster:** Yes, yes, I'll do anything you want! Just don't kill me! *stands up* Do you want stuff?

**Tisiphone:** What kind of stuff?

**Quartermaster:** Mostly stuff that your class doesn't really care about, but anyway, I've got some other stuff too…

**Tisiphone:** Pot?

**Jr:** _I love to kick it up a notch! 'Cause I'm evil and bad to the bone… yeah I'm smoking pot!_

**Tisiphone:** Shut up.

**Brian Holden Fangirls:** KILL HER!

**Tisiphone: **Show me your pot.

**Quartermaster:** Okay. Just don't tell anyone.

**A little while later our pot-smoking heroine finds a guy in armor arguing with a mage.**

**Alistair Fangirls: ***cries tears of joy*

**Grumpy Mage:** Sut the hell up, please

**Alistar:** I'm just here to give you a message.

**Grumpy Mage:** I don't want it.

**Alistair:** Should I have brought a note?

**Grumpy Mage:** I hate you.

**Alistair:** I was going to name one of my children after you.

**Grumpy Mage:** Shut up. *to Tisiphone* get away from me, idiot.

**Tisiphone:** *blows his head up*

**Alistair:** You know, one good thing about the Blight is how it brings people together.

**Alistair Fangirls and Steve Valentine Fangirls:** *dies*

**Tisiphone:** You were going to name one of your children "Grumpy Mage"?

**Alistair:** Eh… yes?

**Tisiphone:** Oh, okay… _"Weird guy…"_ Anyway… you were saying?

**Alistair:** Nothing important. I was just trying to be funny. I hope you're not a mage by the way…

**Tisiphone:** … _"Is he blind?"_ Would that make your day worse?

**Alistair:** I just want to know if I should run for my life. Oh wait, I _do _know who you are, you're Duncans new recruit from the Circle of Magi, I should have recognized you right away.

**Tisiphone:** If you don't like magic just say so. _"And DIE!"_

**Alistair:** I uh no… it's just… nervous mages make me nervous and mages tend to get nervous around me when they know my background…

**Tisiphone:** Oh okay, pleased to meet you. I'm Tisiphone. Not that you'll ever call me that.

**Alistair:** Oh right, that's your name! You know… I've always wondered why there aren't that many female Grey Wardens…

**Tisiphone:** ... you want more female Grey Wardens?

**Alistair:** Yes… I'm not drooling right now so please stop looking at me like that… So have you ever met darkspawn before?

**Tisiphone:** Why does everyone ask me that?

**Alistair:** Because you're going to become a Grey Warden? Anyway… we should get going.

**Tisiphone:** Why were you arguing with a mage?

**Alistair:** Oh nothing it's just… I used to be a Templar.

**Tisiphone:** You were a mage-hunter?

**Alistair:** Eh… pretty much.

**Tisiphone:** Anyway let's go.

**Alistair:** Awesome.

* * *

><p><strong>Why do I always reference Harry Potter and AVPMS in this parody? Because there's magic in it?**

**And yeah, that totally was an Oblivion gate. Why? Because in the Elder Scrolls, anyone can open locks. I mean, there should at least be a way to open locked chests in this without having to always drag a rogue around! I hate Leliana by the way. And Zevran can't open locks that well in the beginning -.-'**

**REVIEW! Plz? I have none :( I think. Oh gosh, now I've forgotten if someone has already reviewed or not...**


	6. FORESHADOWING!

**Disclaimer: I don't own The Elder Scrolls series, John Tucker Must Die, Holy Musical Batman! (technically with an , but it turns into a link so... no...), Assassin's Creed, Charmed or whatever other stuff I might have referenced.**

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><p><strong>Chapter SIX: FORESHADOWING!<strong>

**Author: **Oh my deity, we're back! :D

**Tisiphone: **…

**Author:** :D

**Tisiphone: **Let's just get this over with…

**Author: **:D

**Tisiphone:** You have to make a new me and play up until meeting Alistair, remember?

**Author: **… buzzkill…

**Tisiphone: **Deal with it.

**Author: **Okay…

**And then Author got her lazy ass to work while talking to people on Skype for some reason. It took several hours.**

* * *

><p><strong>After Author and Tisiphone 2.0 redid everything that Author and Tisiphone 1.0 had already done, Alistair was tagging along like a lost puppy while Tisiphone 2.0 eventually found her way to Duncan and the other guys.<strong>

**Duncan:** Oh you found Alistair?

**Tisiphone: **… What, you thought I wouldn't?

**Duncan:** So, we'll send you people into the woods, and we want you to do two things. The first thing is to collect some darkspawn blood because we can't just wipe some blood off of a sword and use that.

**Tisiphone:** ... Why not?

**Duncan:** Because you'll probably meet darkspawn, and it's the perfect moment to test out your skill.

**Tisiphone: **Oh well… that's fair enough I guess. Also, YAY! ACTION!

**Duncan:** Yep. BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD-GOD!

**Tisiphone:** … What's the second task?

**Duncan:** We want you to pick up some documents, because we totally don't have enough people to just send someone out to do so. They should be fine though, despite having been locked away for at least a century in the wilds. Because MAGIC!

**Tisiphone:** Well that sounds nice. I bet it's in some rat-infested caverns somewhere…

**Game Developers:** Nah, rats in caverns is too TES.

**Tisiphone:** Shut up.

**Game Developers:** YOU DON'T CONTROL US! WITHOUT US YOU WOULDN'T EVEN BE HERE! WE'RE LIKE HORCRUXES!

**Tisiphone:** Wow, I didn't know I divided my soul.

**Author:** Guys, peace and love, we all know that Tisiphone is MY creation, okay?

**Tisiphone AND Game Developers:** *EVIL GLARE OF DOOM*

**Author:** *cowers behind a rock* Don't kill me, please.

**Tisiphone:** I'll think about it.

**Author: **Phew. Well that was close…

**Tisiphone: ***EVIL GLARE OF DOOM*

**Author: **Meep.

**Tisiphone:** Aaaaanyway… I could ask you a bunch of questions, but that's just boring so I won't. Kthxbye!

**Duncan:** These scrolls are treaties. And they might be useful.

**FORESHADOWING!**

**Tisiphone:** Oh great. Now we have random words jumping out from nowhere.

**Author:** Oh you have no idea… :3

**Tisiphone:** Fuck you.

**Author: **FUCK YOU! I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!

**Tisiphone: **FUCK YOU! I'M TAKING YOU DOWN!

**Both:** _FUCK YOU!_

**Author was then hit over the head with Tisiphone's staff.**

**Tisiphone:** Okay men- *looks at her little troupe*…

**Alistair:** *picks his nose*

**Jory:** *bites his fingernails*

**Daveth:** *checks out random female soldier*

**Tisiphone: **… okay, Man and whatever the hell you two are… FOLLOW ME!

**Somewhere in the distance a pompous fanfare is heard as the party head out. Then they're stopped by the gates and the music ends abruptly.**

**Random Guard:** Hi. I've already been told you're going this way but I'm stopping you anyway to tell you I've been told that.

**Tisiphone:** Thank you for wasting our time.

**Random Guard:** You're welcome.

**Tisiphone:** Sarcasm…

**Random Guard:** What was that?

**Tisiphone: **Nothing. *big fake smile*

**And then they finally leave and Author sighs because she will now be forced to record every single move in the forest because REASONS.**

**Finally… in the wilds… *ominous music***

**Tisiphone:** Was that the last one?

**Alistair:** Yep. *pokes a dead wolf with his sword* They look pretty dead.

**Tisiphone:** Good.

**And then she kneels by the wolves one by one and begins skinning them. Because she's a psychopath, just like the Hero of Kvatch and the Dovakhiin. She also found a surprising amount of potions on the wolves bodies, which is just weird. Maybe they swallowed them.**

**As the party continues on their merry way they find a dead body (of someone they didn't kill!) and then they find a not so dead body. Meaning the guy is alive.**

**The guy that is alive:** DON'T MOVE TOWARDS THE LIGHT!

**Everyone else: **…

**The guy that is alive:** Wait… are you people… Grey Wardens? OH MY DEITY I'M SAVED! THANK YOU, THANK YOU! *cries tears of joy*

**Tisiphone: **No. We don't have time for you.

**Alistair:** What, do you have a meeting somewhere?

**Tisiphone:** Yes. I'm about to introduce my staff to a hurlock's ass. Therefore, I shall kill this person.

**The guy that is alive: **What?

**Tisiphone: ***slits his throat*

**Alistair: **Are you insane?

**Tisiphone:** … maybe :3

**Alistair: **OKAY WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT FOR?

**Tisiphone: **I'm insane, remember? Now, SHUT UP AND LICK MY BOOTS!

**And as we all know, Alistair is completely whipped so he does as she says. **_**And he enjoys it.**_

***Fast forwarding memories to a more recent one***

**Daveth:** I hear that flower there is an awesome hallucinogen.

**Author:** I didn't know you knew words that big…

**Daveth:** You're so mean… *hangs head*

**Author:** Naaw… LET ME LOVE YOU!

**Tisiphone:** OKAY WILL YOU JUST STAY OUT OF THIS STORY?

**Author:** I can't… it's like my fingers move on their own accord across my keyboard as I write this…

**Tisiphone:** Just keep it to minimum then, okay?

**Author:** Okay… *hangs head in shame*

**As Author mentally bitch-slaps herself Tisiphone picks up the flower and then we're on our merry way. Again. Because from now on, there will be lots of breaks like these and Author is sorry for that. IT JUST HAPPENS.**

**And as the readers slowly begin losing their faith in humanity and creative writing in general, Tisiphone and the Quartet of Two Will Totally Not Die After This walked off in a random direction and killed some Darkspawn, and then they raided the entire forest and Tisiphone found an outfit that's really slutty but she decided to wear it anyway, because the mages robes she have are fucking boring.**

**Then they found a demon and shit got serious. As in they killed it. Because that's what Tisiphone does. She kills everything that isn't nice to her, and even when someone is neutral it's iffy.**

**Finally, after a not hard at all battle against some more darkspawn they eventually find the cache, and surprise, surprise, IT'S EMPTY! Also there's totally a scantily clad woman standing behind them.**

**Scantily Clad Woman: ***immediately starts speaking about vultures and scavengers* So, which one of those two things are you?

**Tisiphone:** Sorry, I wasn't listening.

**Scantily Clad Woman:** Why am I not surprised?

**Tisiphone: **You're a bitch. I like that. Do you want to be my friend?

**Scantily Clad Woman: **… Just answer the question.

**Tisiphone:** No I am not a fucking intruder, scavenger or anything to that effect. I'm just here to look for some documents. Have you seen them anywhere around this tower?

**Scantily Clad Woman:** "Tower"? If this place was alive, it would be dead!

**Random Anime Guy:** People die if they are killed.

**Author:** SHUT UP! I DON'T WANT TO REFERENCE THINGS I'VE NEVER SEEN!

**Author's brain:** I'm sorry dear readers, but I'm going on a vacation for the rest of this chapter. And possibly more.

**Readers:** We're all gonna die.

**Author:** NO! NOT MY BRAIN!

**Scantily Clad Woman:** … AAAAANYWAY… I've been stalking you people because I was curious but I didn't manage to work out what you're doing here so now I'm asking you: why are you here?

**Alistair:** Please don't answer that, she looks EEEEEVIL.

**Tisiphone:** Don't tell me what to do!

**Alistair:** Sorry…

**Scantily Clad Woman:** You. Elf. We women are fucking braver than these scared little boys. What's your name?

**Tisiphone:** *is actually nice for once*

**Scantily Clad Woman:** … You were nice to me… I LIKE YOU.

**Tisiphone:** Yeah. Sure.

**Scantily Clad Woman:** I'm Morrigan. I still don't know why you're here, despite having seen you looking through that chest. It's empty.

**Alistair:** "Empty"? YOU STOLE THE PAPERS WE'RE LOOKING FOR YOU HORRIBLE BITCH!

**Morrigan:** … I prefer the term "looting".

**Alistair:** GIVE THEM BACK!

**Morrigan:** No. I didn't take them.

**Tisiphone:** So… who did?

**CUE DRAMATIC MUSIC!**

**Morrigan:** My mother.

**Tisiphone:** Yo momma?

**Morrigan:** Haha. Yes. I didn't spawn from a log.

**Alistair:** You talk funny. AND YOUR MOTHER'S A THIEF.

**Morrigan: **You're very prejudiced against things from the Wilds.

**Author:** OH MY DEITY THE CONVERSATION IS SO LONG!

**Tisiphone:** Then stop interrupting it.

**Author:** *mutters*

**Morrigan:** Aaaaaanyway, I can totally take you to my mom if you _really_ want those papers you're looking for.

**Alistair:** I don't know… I don't like you…

**Tisiphone:** Let's just follow her blindly.

**Daveth:** THEY'RE GONNA EAT US!

**Jory: **I'm cold and don't have anything to say.

**Morrigan:** Just follow me.

**Then the screen fades out and the party plus Morrigan teleport to a house. That would be useful for the rest of the game…**

**Morrigan: **MOMMY! LOOK I HAVE FRIENDS!

**Mommy:** FINALLY! THEY'RE NO LONGER IMAGINARY!

**Morrigan:** I KNOW! :D

**Alistair:** … *gigglesnort* Morrigan has imaginary friends…~

**Mommy: **I've been expecting you…

**Alistair:** Wait, what? Are you… are we supposed to believe that?

**Mommy:** Nah, you don't have to do anything. *random babbling*

**Daveth:** AAAAAAH! BURN THE WITCH!

**Jory: ***says the only smart thing that will ever come out of his mouth*

**Author:** I still hate you.

**Jory:** …

**Mommy: **You're totally dying in the next chapter.

**FORESHADOWING!**

**Author: **Not really…

**Mommy:** Yeah, you, Elf.

**Tisiphone: **STOP REFERRING TO ME AS "ELF"! *kills all the bunnies in Ferelden*

**Everyone:** NOT THE BUNNEHS!

**Mommy: **Wow, I thought you'd be smart.

**Alistair: **And I thought you were supposed to be a fearsome witch.

**Mommy: **"Witch" Hmph. Morrigan was probably the one to tell you that. She likes witches. I think she's been watching too much Charmed…

**Morrigan: **Mommy, _shuddup…_

**Mommy: ***laughs like the mother of an embarrassed daughter* Ah yes… the papers… That are totally inconsequential and not at all related to the plot.

**FORESHADOWING!**

**Mommy:** Here they are. Oh and by the way, your seal wore off. Turns out Grey Wardens aren't as good at making seals as the Navy SEALS.

**Author's Sense of Humor:** I… No. Just no. *leaves*

**And then the group watches as the only hope this story has leaves them all to their doom.**

**Mommy:** Aaaanyway… [Insert ominous warning here].

**And then she laughs. In a **_**crazy**_** way…**

**Mommy:** Now, take your ball and get the fuck off of my property.

**Morrigan: **Yes. LEAVE THE PRIDELANDS!

**Mommy:** Now let's act like civilized people for once. Morrigan, show them out.

**Morrigan:** DO I LOOK LIKE AN ESCORT GIRL?

**People Who Have Seen Her: **… *cough*

**And then she turns into a giant spider and kills all the hedgehogs in Ferelden.**

* * *

><p><strong>Omigod, oh my god you guys~<br>****No. Stop it :| Aaaaanyway, YES! AN UPDATE! I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY FOLLOW THIS STORY!**

**So yeah, a broken PS3, a computer crash and school and personal issues... I guess. Basically everything has been put on hold, but I'm fine now! :D**

**... I'm sorry for the horror that I'm sure this chapter is :|**

**And yes, Flemeth is totally called "Mommy" now :| Until she actually introduces herself.**


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